Do you always put yourself last? Women are socialized to be selfless – to put the needs of everyone else above ourselves. To be selfless means you have no self, which is a dangerous way to live.
I learned an extremely valuable lesson from the first life coach I hired shortly after my divorce. You need to take care of yourself first, so you can show up the best for your family. Then, you need to take care of your relationship with your partner, so you can show up the best for your children. Then, you need to focus on your children. This order of priority is completely counterintuitive to most of us. We are taught to look after everyone else first, to ignore our own needs, and to neglect ourselves.
Being a pleaser is one of the ways you self-sabotage according to Positive Intelligence. It’s very hard to advocate for yourself in life and work when pleasing others, or being liked, is your highest priority.
Take the Saboteur Assessment to find out if the Pleaser is your #1 saboteur:
- https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/
So many women are pleasers. This means empathy is your superpower. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and to feel what they feel is a gift…. until it is taken too far. Taken too far, you put everyone’s needs above your own, have nothing left for yourself, and run the real risk of burnout.
For example, one of my clients, a junior software developer in California, struggles with asking questions at work for the fear of wasting her manager’s time. This has caused a lot of undue stress as she attempts to do her job without clear directions.
Put your own oxygen mask on first. You and your needs matter! I know I’m a better mother when I’ve taken the time to exercise. Practice setting healthy boundaries at work and at home.
Break the habit of pleasing, which is literally hard-wired into the neural pathways of your brain. Before you jump to say yes to taking on more and more responsibilities, pause, take a breath, and say no. Saying no is hard at first, but by saying no, you can finally say yes to yourself.
