Do you struggle advocating for yourself in life or work? Would you rather stay silent than have a difficult conversation with a friend or partner?
As someone who has tried to avoid conflict in my relationships at all costs, this has always been a challenge for me. My irrational fear is that I will lose the other person’s love by having that tough conversation.
When you get hurt, is it hard for you to confront the other person and show vulnerability? Many of us view vulnerability as weakness, and we would rather suffer in silence than tell another person how we feel. Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial component of self-love. Showing vulnerability is incredibly brave and brings people closer together.
As part of Brene’s Brown’s Dare to Lead training, I learned an effective tool to use when you fall down, screw up, or face hurt.
1. Reckoning
Recognizing how your thinking, feeling and behavior are connected. Hurt doesn’t go away if you ignore it. Left unchecked, it festers and can lead to behavior that can sabotage your relationships and career.
2. Rumble
Getting honest about the stories you are making up about your struggle. What’s true, what’s self-protection, and what needs to change? Use these conversation starters: “the story I make up”, “help me understand”, “I’m working from these assumptions – what about you?”
3. Revolution
Writing a new ending to your story based on what you learned in your “rumble”. This new, braver story can transform how you live, love, parent and lead.
Setting healthy boundaries
A few of my clients have recently used this model to set healthy boundaries in their lives. Client “A” was able to have an open conversation with a friend who had a history of putting her down. After practicing the words she wanted to use in our coaching session, she gently addressed her concerns with her friend, and it was well-received. My client is changing her story about how she expects to be treated in her friendships, which is great role-modeling for her young daughter.
Client “B” wrote a letter to her brother about his unhelpful behavior on a recent family vacation. She may or may not send the letter, but getting her emotions out on paper was very healing for her as it allowed her to reflect on her feelings as she was having them.
In both cases, these courageous women took important steps to advocate for themselves. Instead of ignoring their hurt, they took a stand and dealt with it in a constructive way. The more we practice setting healthy boundaries, the more authentically we can show up for ourselves, our families and our communities.
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